The Phantom City

June 13, 2009

Reasons not to shave my head

Filed under: — Shane Thacker 1:14 am

Each summer I go through the same experience of getting really annoyed with how hot my hair is, and thinking about shaving it off. So, I decided to blog some of the reasons I can think of for not doing it, for future reference.

1. I’m a little afraid that, if my hair started growing back, it would end up looking like Notre Dame QB Jimmy Clausen’s hair did his freshman year. Seriously, that dude had some weird spiky hair going on.

2. I’ve had the same hairstyle since sixth grade. Why change now? And would it even be possible, or would my hair actively resist change? Maybe it’s like Superman’s hair by now?

3. These are things I’m afraid I would find on my scalp, if I could see it: A birthmark, a barcode, a vestigial third eye, tattooed messages of things I didn’t really need to remember anytime soon. (Memento. Excellent movie. See it.)

4. Too much work. I’m already lazy about shaving my face. And still bad at it. I can’t imagine trying to shave the back of my head. I’d need transfusions.

5. Seriously, my beautiful hair? What if it doesn’t come back? I’ll never be that pretty again.

6. There is potential that light reflecting off the whiteness of my scalp could cause an air and ground navigation hazard.

7. Yul Brynner looked awesome bald. On the other hand, hair is my evidence I’m not a large, mobile, noisy potato.

March 24, 2009

Diet Soft Drink Advertising

Filed under: — Shane Thacker 10:45 am

One of my more recent Twitter statuses had what sounded like an ad line for Diet Mountain Dew, so I came up with a few more while waiting for .Net Framework 3.5 to install.

“Diet Mountain Dew – You get used to it.”

“Diet Mountain Dew – Shhhh, don’t fret…the cravings stop after a while.”

“Diet Code Red (Cherry Mountain Dew) – The flavor combination that never occurred to you.”

“Diet Dr Pepper – You’ll be pleasantly surprised.”

“Diet Dr Pepper – Making Dr Pepper taste like root beer since 1991.”

“Diet Dr Pepper – Diets and Doctors, in one bottle.”

“Diet Coke – Does this taste funny to you?”

“Diet Coke – Bleh, I think I got your Diet Coke.”

“Diet Coke – You’ll never forget the taste…at least not for the next hour or so.”

“Diet Coke – It’s the first thing you’ll want after waking up from a coma.” (Inside joke. Sorry.)

“Coke Zero – Go from Coke to Diet Coke, and then to Coke Zero. It’ll taste great!”

“Diet Rite – For the last time, we’re not the store brand!”

“Diet Rite – We make Diet Coke look better!”

“Diet Pepsi – For when the restaurant doesn’t carry Diet Coke.”

“Diet RC – Just try to find me!”

“Tab – What the hell was that?!?”

“Tab – Check the date on the can.”

“Tap Water – Why can’t you love me?”

March 13, 2009

Thoughts upon seeing Crank (2006)

Filed under: — Shane Thacker 2:09 pm

What…What was…I don’t…Who’s that…What happened?

Now, for post-Crank thoughts, here are my reasons why Crank should have been nominated in several Oscar categories.

Best Screenplay: I didn’t understand half of the words Jason Statham was saying, and there were so many characters I had no idea what most of them were doing in the movie. This is similar to my past experiences with Shakespeare.

Best Actor: Chev Chelios needs to keep moving and keep his adrenaline pumping to survive. Bringing this character to life is an impressive achievement, largely due to the fact that actor Jason Statham normally never seems to get more excited than, say, Clint Eastwood. One assumes, given the fast pace of the movie and what people would normally call “dialogue,” that Statham actually took some sort of drug to speed up his metabolism and risk his life, and one has to admire that sort of commitment to the craft.

Best Supporting Actor: Dwight Yoakam creates a character by literally phoning in his lines. I’ve never seen anyone do that before. Now, in this category there could be competition from some of his own Crank castmates. After all, you can’t completely discount the performances of The Guy Who Played Pedro In Napoleon Dynamite (Efren Ramirez) and The Guy Who Played Weevil In Veronica Mars (Francis Capra). But I’d give it to Dwight.

Best Supporting Actress: Amy Smart is so natural in the role of Eve it’s almost like she didn’t realize she was in a movie. I don’t think she did. I think, during the take, Jason Statham just showed up at her apartment and she improvised as well.

Best Cinematography: One take, ninety minutes of following an adrenaline-fueled Jason Statham around while he’s improvising. ‘Nuff said.

Best Director: True, it might seem easy to take that screenplay and those actors and turn out the best movie of the year, but directors Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor took it all one step farther: They were brave enough to have a word appear, most of the way through the movie, for one second, floating by itself on Statham’s forehead, with no real context or precedent. How often do you see that? Martin Scorsese didn’t do it. Neveldine and Taylor did.

Best Foreign Language Film: There were smatterings of English, but that shouldn’t disqualify it. This movie’s native tongue was the whole-body sign language called Action!

Best Picture: Not Crank. Apocalypto. Apocalypto is like historic Crank, and history always makes films better.

Did you miss one of the great films of our generation in theaters? Not to worry. April, 2009…CRANK: HIGH VOLTAGE!

February 26, 2009

“What have I done to deserve this?”

Filed under: — Shane Thacker 10:47 am

Stephen Fry, quoting Oscar Wilde:

Satan, one afternoon, was wandering in the Libyan desert when he came across a group of junior devils trying to tempt a monk. The monk was very holy: Satan watched as the little demons offered him worldly riches, power, wisdom, anything he wanted if only he would renounce his God. The demons were getting nowhere, the monk was firm in his faith and rooted in his virtue and steadfast holiness.

Lucifer could bear watching no more and approached. ‘What exactly is going on here?’ he asked.

‘Master,’ the imps replied, ‘This man is entirely good. He will not be provoked in to renouncing God. We have offered him every worldly pleasure and power.’

‘Out of the way,’ said Lucifer. ‘Let me show you how it’s done.’ Lucifer stepped forward and whispered something into the monk’s ear. Immediately the monk roared with anger, tore his holy robes asunder and filled the air with the most profane and obscene oaths against God. It was an awesome sight. The demons immediately fell to their knees and cried to Satan.

‘Verily, you are the Master. For forty days and forty nights have been tempting him to no avail, and yet, even in a twinkling, you turn him from God to us. What, in hell’s holy name what did you say to him, oh Lord of Darkness?’

‘It’s really very simple,’ said Lucifer, ‘I just told him his brother had recently been made Bishop of Alexandria.’

February 18, 2009

7.5 Things You Probably Didn’t Know About Me

Filed under: — Shane Thacker 9:22 pm

Seems like a lot of these floating around right now. I got tagged by Too Many Topics, Too Little Time. It was originally seven things, but I decided to modify it a little to see what happens.

The rules:

1. Link to your original tagger(s) and list these rules in your post.
2. Share seven (and a half) facts about yourself in the post.
3. Tag seven (and a half) people at the end of your post by leaving their names.
4. Let them know they’ve been tagged.

Here we go…

You ready?

This is so exciting…

Feel free to back out at any time…The safe word is “Rechtsschutzversicherungsgesellschaften”.

Spoiler warning…

Okay, let’s do this…

1. Post-college, I’ve never worked for any length of time in a non-public-service-related environment. My job trail goes association > newspaper > nonprofit news organization > association > government contractor > government contractor. I didn’t intend it that way. It just happened. Kind of makes me wonder what I’ve missed.

2. During that period of time, I’ve lasted through something like eight major layoffs without getting hit. Not sure how that happened, either.

3. I got a Wii Fit the other day. NewEgg.com had them for list price. Balance is very important to the Wii Fit. I think it was laughing at me when I tried it out. My center of gravity is apparently two feet behind me, possibly at some sort of Lagrange Point between myself and the Earth. (Either that, or it’s the fact I have the posture of a 19th-century Bavarian burgomeister.)

4. “Misanthropic introvert who doesn’t like to be alone” describes me well. The last time I took a Myers-Briggs test for work, I hit 30 (the highest) on Introversion. Yet I suspect some folks would consider me chatty.

5. INTP. In case you were wondering. I also scored 30 on Intuition. We got cards with our letters on it. I could never remember what they meant. They don’t have a Memory score.

6. I don’t remember high school very well, and hanging out on Facebook I’m starting to think that might be abnormal. I remember people from high school, but not a lot of specifics about me or things that happened around me. I’m not really sure those count as my formative years. I’ll bet they would if I hadn’t liked them, though, which is why I’m glad I went where I did. (There was something cool about walking into a 9th-grade classroom at a school I hadn’t been to since the 6th grade, and having one of the guys say, “Hey, Shane’s back!”)

7. Speaking of high school, I do have at least one vivid memory: I was going to ask someone out, and ended up walking past them, going into the bathroom, and throwing up because I was nervous. Luckily I stopped doing that sort of thing by grad school. :)

7.5. I’m really proud of my ability to…

Anyway, time to tag 7.5 people. I’ll copy this to Facebook, where many of them reside. Y’all can figure out the half-person thing amongst yourselves, but remember…It could be that I just consider everyone else to be 15/16ths people. (Although, technically, if I went by mass, and the unit of measurement were me, I could easily see some of my friends being one-half.) ;)

Let’s see: Adam, Astrid, Carolyn, Chris, Katy, Lorrie, Melanie, Sarah.

February 12, 2009

Batwoman…Outed Very Slowly

Filed under: — Shane Thacker 3:12 pm

Am I missing something here? There’s a brief news flurry today about Batwoman being the first gay superhero. I realize the actual story is that DC is going to feature her as the lead in Detective Comics, but the current Batwoman incarnation has been “out” since 2006, as far as I know.

Not to mention the current version of The Question, Northstar, Midnighter and Apollo, one version of Catwoman, Scandal Savage, Flatman, Obsidianthe list just keeps going.

It’s interesting that DC is turning one of their flagship comics over to a gay character for a while, but I suspect sales, her place in the DC Universe, and the writing won’t be much different than if, say, Nightwing was going to be the star. (No, he’s not gay. Ignore the costume.) ;)

February 10, 2009

A Commitment to an Offensive Defense

Filed under: — Shane Thacker 9:22 pm

Let’s see, the Carolina Panthers have hired the defensive coordinator who ran the little-feared Colts D, the defensive coordinator (as linebackers coach) of the Texans, and the secondary coach from the Rams.

That, and Julius Peppers is probably out of there.

Wow, all of that really makes me look forward to next season. Somebody tell me the ‘Skins are going to be really good. :(

Update: And the Redskins might be about to sign the guy who stomped on another player’s face. Yay.

Courtesy of Inside the Panthers.

January 20, 2009

Inaugural Address of President Barack Obama, 20 January 2009

Filed under: — Shane Thacker 9:42 pm

My fellow citizens:

I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our ancestors. I thank President Bush for his service to our nation, as well as the generosity and cooperation he has shown throughout this transition.

Forty-four Americans have now taken the presidential oath. The words have been spoken during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of peace. Yet, every so often the oath is taken amidst gathering clouds and raging storms. At these moments, America has carried on not simply because of the skill or vision of those in high office, but because we the people have remained faithful to the ideals of our forebears, and true to our founding documents.

So it has been. So it must be with this generation of Americans.

That we are in the midst of crisis is now well understood. Our nation is at war, against a far-reaching network of violence and hatred. Our economy is badly weakened, a consequence of greed and irresponsibility on the part of some, but also our collective failure to make hard choices and prepare the nation for a new age. Homes have been lost; jobs shed; businesses shuttered. Our health care is too costly; our schools fail too many; and each day brings further evidence that the ways we use energy strengthen our adversaries and threaten our planet.

These are the indicators of crisis, subject to data and statistics. Less measurable but no less profound is a sapping of confidence across our land — a nagging fear that America’s decline is inevitable, and that the next generation must lower its sights.

Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America — they will be met.

On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord.

On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics.

We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness.

In reaffirming the greatness of our nation, we understand that greatness is never a given. It must be earned. Our journey has never been one of shortcuts or settling for less. It has not been the path for the faint-hearted — for those who prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of riches and fame. Rather, it has been the risk-takers, the doers, the makers of things — some celebrated but more often men and women obscure in their labor, who have carried us up the long, rugged path towards prosperity and freedom.

For us, they packed up their few worldly possessions and traveled across oceans in search of a new life.

For us, they toiled in sweatshops and settled the West; endured the lash of the whip and plowed the hard earth.

For us, they fought and died, in places like Concord and Gettysburg; Normandy and Khe Sanh.

Time and again these men and women struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that we might live a better life. They saw America as bigger than the sum of our individual ambitions; greater than all the differences of birth or wealth or faction.

This is the journey we continue today. We remain the most prosperous, powerful nation on Earth. Our workers are no less productive than when this crisis began. Our minds are no less inventive, our goods and services no less needed than they were last week or last month or last year. Our capacity remains undiminished. But our time of standing pat, of protecting narrow interests and putting off unpleasant decisions — that time has surely passed. Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America.

For everywhere we look, there is work to be done. The state of the economy calls for action, bold and swift, and we will act — not only to create new jobs, but to lay a new foundation for growth. We will build the roads and bridges, the electric grids and digital lines that feed our commerce and bind us together. We will restore science to its rightful place, and wield technology’s wonders to raise health care’s quality and lower its cost. We will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories. And we will transform our schools and colleges and universities to meet the demands of a new age. All this we can do. All this we will do.

Now, there are some who question the scale of our ambitions — who suggest that our system cannot tolerate too many big plans. Their memories are short. For they have forgotten what this country has already done; what free men and women can achieve when imagination is joined to common purpose, and necessity to courage.

What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them — that the stale political arguments that have consumed us for so long no longer apply. The question we ask today is not whether our government is too big or too small, but whether it works — whether it helps families find jobs at a decent wage, care they can afford, a retirement that is dignified. Where the answer is yes, we intend to move forward. Where the answer is no, programs will end. Those of us who manage the public’s dollars will be held to account — to spend wisely, reform bad habits, and do our business in the light of day — because only then can we restore the vital trust between a people and their government.

Nor is the question before us whether the market is a force for good or ill. Its power to generate wealth and expand freedom is unmatched, but this crisis has reminded us that without a watchful eye, the market can spin out of control — and that a nation cannot prosper long when it favors only the prosperous. The success of our economy has always depended not just on the size of our gross domestic product, but on the reach of our prosperity; on our ability to extend opportunity to every willing heart — not out of charity, but because it is the surest route to our common good.

As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals. Our founding fathers … our found fathers, faced with perils we can scarcely imagine, drafted a charter to assure the rule of law and the rights of man, a charter expanded by the blood of generations. Those ideals still light the world, and we will not give them up for expedience’s sake. And so to all the other peoples and governments who are watching today, from the grandest capitals to the small village where my father was born: know that America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman, and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and that we are ready to lead once more.

Recall that earlier generations faced down fascism and communism not just with missiles and tanks, but with sturdy alliances and enduring convictions. They understood that our power alone cannot protect us, nor does it entitle us to do as we please. Instead, they knew that our power grows through its prudent use; our security emanates from the justness of our cause, the force of our example, the tempering qualities of humility and restraint.

We are the keepers of this legacy. Guided by these principles once more, we can meet those new threats that demand even greater effort — even greater cooperation and understanding between nations. We will begin to responsibly leave Iraq to its people, and forge a hard-earned peace in Afghanistan. With old friends and former foes, we will work tirelessly to lessen the nuclear threat, and roll back the specter of a warming planet. We will not apologize for our way of life, nor will we waver in its defense, and for those who seek to advance their aims by inducing terror and slaughtering innocents, we say to you now that our spirit is stronger and cannot be broken; you cannot outlast us, and we will defeat you.

For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness. We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus — and non-believers. We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace.

To the Muslim world, we seek a new way forward, based on mutual interest and mutual respect. To those leaders around the globe who seek to sow conflict, or blame their society’s ills on the West — know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy. To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist.

To the people of poor nations, we pledge to work alongside you to make your farms flourish and let clean waters flow; to nourish starved bodies and feed hungry minds. And to those nations like ours that enjoy relative plenty, we say we can no longer afford indifference to the suffering outside our borders; nor can we consume the world’s resources without regard to effect. For the world has changed, and we must change with it.

As we consider the road that unfolds before us, we remember with humble gratitude those brave Americans who, at this very hour, patrol far-off deserts and distant mountains. They have something to tell us, just as the fallen heroes who lie in Arlington whisper through the ages. We honor them not only because they are guardians of our liberty, but because they embody the spirit of service; a willingness to find meaning in something greater than themselves. And yet, at this moment — a moment that will define a generation — it is precisely this spirit that must inhabit us all.

For as much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies. It is the kindness to take in a stranger when the levees break, the selflessness of workers who would rather cut their hours than see a friend lose their job which sees us through our darkest hours. It is the firefighter’s courage to storm a stairway filled with smoke, but also a parent’s willingness to nurture a child, that finally decides our fate.

Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But those values upon which our success depends — hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism — these things are old. These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility — a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation, and the world, duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task.

This is the price and the promise of citizenship.

This is the source of our confidence — the knowledge that God calls on us to shape an uncertain destiny.

This is the meaning of our liberty and our creed — why men and women and children of every race and every faith can join in celebration across this magnificent Mall, and why a man whose father less than sixty years ago might not have been served at a local restaurant can now stand before you to take a most sacred oath.

So let us mark this day with remembrance, of who we are and how far we have traveled. In the year of America’s birth, in the coldest of months, a small band of patriots huddled by dying campfires on the shores of an icy river. The capital was abandoned. The enemy was advancing. The snow was stained with blood. At a moment when the outcome of our revolution was most in doubt, the father of our nation ordered these words be read to the people:

“Let it be told to the future world … that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive…that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet (it).”

America, in the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children’s children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God’s grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.

Thank you. God bless you. And God bless the United States of America.

Transcript courtesy of Yahoo! News.

December 29, 2008

To have survived all that…

Filed under: — Shane Thacker 12:19 pm

Blurb on Yahoo’s front page today, about the oldest man in the U.S. dying:

George Francis lived through both world wars and the election of the first black president.

Actually, the article is neat, since it points out he voted for FDR and Obama, but I was struck by the choice of chronological touchstones. :)

December 18, 2008

16 Things

Filed under: — Shane Thacker 6:47 pm

This meme is wandering around on Facebook, but I thought I’d copy it here just to stay true to my old dislike of walled gardens like Facebook. (Even though I check it every day.)

Anyway, it’s a list of sixteen things people might not know about you. I can do this, because there are at least sixteen things even I don’t know about me.

1. When I was young, my mom used to send the cat upstairs to wake me up in the mornings. That worked the 50% of the time the cat decided he wanted the bed to himself.

2. My wife only has one regret. I’ve got more, but if I didn’t have any regrets, I’d have to make some up. Otherwise life wouldn’t feel particularly normal.

3. When I took driver’s ed through a private driving school, I learned about driving in a 1970’s-vintage Cadillac Tank. During my first lesson, I ran a guy off the road. He was unhappy. My old, chain-smoking, raspy-voiced, female driving teacher was unfazed.

4. I decided a while back that I wasn’t handling my periodic depressions and memory problems any better in my 30s than I did in my 20s, so I decided to try counseling. Despite my original misgivings, it actually works! Guess it depends on the therapist. And whether you’re paying attention.

5. My ratio of personal intelligence versus the mental challenges of life peaked when I was in elementary school. Now it’s getting closer to 1:1. That makes me feel dumber.

6. When I was growing up, I always wanted to be a pirate. I still do.

7. I’m meaner and more quick-tempered than most people think, but it costs, so I try not to be.

8. Like my wife, I’m also a sucker for unrequited love, but only if it’s requited after a while. Otherwise it just sucks to be that person.

9. If you asked me, I’d always say family and friends are more important than work. The balance of my actual efforts seem to give the lie to that, though.

10. If I yawn in your face, it’s not because you’re boring me. It’s because I’m sleepy. If you’re boring me, I concentrate on not yawning.

11. Hamburgers are nature’s most perfect food…or bacon…or potatoes…Yeah, I’m healthy.

12. I still read comic books. The new ones aren’t as good as the old ones, though.

13. I make other people be logical with their arguments, but personally I rely on intuition.

14. 75% of my clothes are plaid…Yeah, I’m fashionable.

15. I am not an elegant programmer…yet. I’m better at solving problems than creating masterpieces.

16. I’m really, really lucky and blessed.

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