The Phantom City

Notes from our travels across a mysterious world.

Category: General (page 3 of 15)

Notes from the morning

I went out to my car a bit ago and there was a squirrel sitting on one of the tires. It was eating a seed. I shooed it away before I thought to take a picture of it. I felt a connection with it. Squirrelly (by definition) and loves seeds. I can understand that.

I got a dollar bill in change this morning. On the back of the bill someone wrote the words “I LOVE YOU.” “How sweet,” I thought. Then I turned the dollar over. On the front was the word “ASSHOLE.” I don’t think I’m going to use that bill for legal commerce with another person. I shall probably use it in a machine and pass it on to someone else anonymously. If you run across this dollar, it’s probably best to read it front to back.

There are a group of guys who gather to smoke and talk outside my workplace. They can be found out there several times a day. While I don’t smoke, I understand people who do would want to engage in it fairly often. What I don’t understand is what is there to talk about every day? I like my coworkers, but I’d be willing to bet I could run through almost all interesting information within a day or two if I talked to them frequently.

I got a coupon for a dollar off McDonald’s McSkillet Burrito. I saw some commercials for it over the weekend. The tagline was something like “Everything you love about breakfast.” They then listed the ingredients. My thoughts after each one:

  • Scrambled eggs (Yep.)
  • Skillet potatoes (Yum.)
  • Breakfast sausage (Okay, not a big fan of sausage, but I understand that.)
  • Cheddar jack cheese (Mmm, cheese…)
  • Peppers and onions (Hmm, maybe, but not usually a part of my morning repast.)
  • Spicy salsa (Uh, no. Thanks for ruining the rest.)

Oh, by the way, the McSkillet Burrito? It had a blog. And a car.

Addendum: Oh, I almost forgot. This personal ad, inspired by the webcomic xkcd? He’s looking for a stick figure with squiggly hair. It’s that kind of unrealistic portrayal that can cause poor self-esteem in women whose heads aren’t wider than their bodies. πŸ˜‰

Uninterested Cat Doesn’t Bother to Hide It Anymore

funny pictures
moar funny pictures

Previously on The Phantom City, Interest Ratings Falling.

Just sit there and touch yourself…

I can’t wait to see how much search engine traffic comes in for that headline!

During my usual daily visit to the Yahoo! home page, I saw a featured article titled “Is She Attracted to Me?” Since that was a topic I was always terrible with during my dating days, I thought it’d be worth a look. (I don’t have to worry about it now, though. I’m married, and I’m pretty sure that means my wife is legally obligated to find me attractive. At least, I think that’s what all those “fat guy married to hot wife” sitcoms are relying on. What else could explain the longevity of something like Still Standing other than shared cultural experience?)

Anyway, the author is a dating coach, so he’s got to know what he’s talking about, right? Let’s go over a few excerpts and see what good tips Coach has for us:

The first step to making the date a true success is to listen to what she is saying. Pay attention to the details, and react to what she has to say. That does not mean that you can’t share a story or two about yourself, but the best dates are the ones where you’re in a listening and reacting mode rather than a talking and bragging mode.

Couldn’t agree more. Of course, guys, if you spend the entire time talking about yourself, isn’t because you already believe she’s got to be attracted to you? I mean, don’t you deserve it? (Don’t count on it. There isn’t even a common law obligation on the first date.)

There is a lot to learn about a first date. I really suggest you book one hour of phone time with me to go over all of this. So if you desire to be the guy who women want, then email me right now and let’s book that hour.

Okaaay…Now I’m not holding out high hopes for the rest of this article.

Pay attention to her eyes. One sign of attraction is when her eyes are open really wide, and her pupils are enlarged when you are talking or when she is talking to you.

Good one! A definite sign of attraction, or possibly fear about something right behind you. Don’t turn around and look, though. That shows a lack of confidence in your ability to handle surprise attacks, and women want a man with skills. (Thanks, Napoleon Dynamite!) Oh, and don’t forget drug use. It’s a possible sign of drug use. You may want to screen for that.

Another sign of attraction is that when you are speaking, she will lean her body into you and literally be drawn in with your words.

Yes, leaning towards you is a sign of interest. Actually leaning into you is a sign of definite interest. Way to go, wordsmith!

She will not get up and go to the bathroom. She will sit there and not want to miss a single second of the date…

So remember, girls…if you want a guy to know you’re attracted to him, do not use the bathroom. You don’t want to miss a single second. It’s a good thing that needing to use the bathroom is a mental issue rather than a physical one for women. If it were some sort of actual physical need, that previous bit wouldn’t make any sense at all.

She will not look at her watch.

Yep. Got that. Keep track of time yourself.

She will not look around the room.

Mmm-hmmm.

She will be totally fixated on you the whole time.

Yep, sounds good.

She will play with her hair and lick her lips before she moves towards you, because she is creating a sexual feeling inside her.

Yep, also…wait, I thought this was in a restaurant? And women create sexual feelings inside themselves through playing with their hair and licking their lips? And here I was thinking all that hair tossing was just a signal.

She will reach her hand across the table and glance at yours.

I’ll go for that one.

She will touch your shoulder or another part of you very casually.

Whether you react casually depends on the part.

When she is speaking, she will touch her leg or her face, imagining it was you who was touching her.

Once again, is this in public? Where do his dates normally put their hands? Of course, when she touches her leg or face, she might just be trying to wipe off the fried chicken grease from the fancy place you took her to.

Keep in mind that what she is doing and communicating with her body is on a subconscious level. She is not aware of what she is doing, and that is what makes this so powerful.

That, and the dark power of your loins…

One last thing: How do you know after all of this that she wants the kiss?

Oh yeah, this is a tricky one. Like the Holy Grail of first dates. How?

She wants the kiss if, when you walk her to the car, she lingers and keeps talking and looking at you.

Good…good…

What you do then is go in, move towards her lips, and see what she does.

Okay, so Mace is bad, falling over backwards is bad, covering her face with her hands is bad…everything else is good, right?

Then pull to the side and give her a hug. This will create tension.

You sly dog! The Incredible Fake-Out Kiss-Hug! Very smooth. I’m not sure everyone will have the physical coordination to pull it off, though. Try not to get things mixed up and hug her face.

If she then talks more, look at her, touch her face and move in for the kiss.

Wow, that was definitely worth time reading and writing a whole blog entry about! But, hopefully, any readers on the dating scene will learn from this article. Guys, you know what to look for now, right? Girls, just remember these three things:

  • Don’t get up and go to the bathroom. No matter what.
  • Touch yourself, imagining it’s him, and create a sexual feeling inside. It won’t be weird or anything.
  • When he lunges towards you in the parking lot, it’s for a hug. Don’t jump backwards.

I think that about covers everything you need to know on the subject. However, if you desire to be the guy who women want, please, book an hour of phone time. πŸ™‚

Necessary, medically speaking

I just saw a sign at Burger King that carried the normal verbiage about shirts and shoes, but also had one interesting addition:

Only medically necessary animals allowed inside.

I’m assuming they mean helper animals, but I can’t get the image out of my head of an older person walking in with an IV tube attached to a monkey. πŸ™‚

My Name is Macktastic S. Valentine

At least, that’s my pimp name, apparently. I like it, though. Easy to work into conversation. “Ready to go on a Macktastic Voyage?” πŸ™‚

Link courtesy of ACC Basketblog.

Friday Catblogging Doesn’t Quite Believe You

IZ SYKIK UR NXT

interestedcat.jpg

skeptical-cat-is-fraught-with-skepticism.jpg

peace.jpg

For anyone wondering: Oscar the Death Cat.

Spam needs me

I just ran across an unsettling email preview, sent by a doctor I hadn’t heard of: I NEED YOUR ASS.

Luckily, the full subject line was I NEED YOUR ASSISTANCE. For some reason, however, Yahoo! Mail put what looks like a period on the end of their truncated version.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to give someone my bank information. Something about a war-torn country and the treasury. πŸ˜‰

Living in the moment, like an ignorant cat

I ran across this article about inspirations for living in the moment. They’re pretty good suggestions, and the subject matter is definitely something I need to pay more attention to, but something struck me about the cat example:

I also like watching my cat, Riddle. He thinks he’s a lion. He’ll stealthily stalk an insect or lizard, as if he’s hidden in tall grass on the savanna, and then he pounces and attacks. You know he’s not thinking about what he had for breakfast or what furniture needs to be clawed to shreds later in the day. Cats (and other animals) are all about the Now. Be like a cat.

Actually, it’s not quite that. The cat doesn’t know about lions. He just is what he is. Also a good lesson in some ways, but an important part of being human is that we can choose to be what we are not.

Don’t forget Topless Fridays!

So, a former sales rep for Girls Gone Wild has filed a sexual harassment lawsuit against the company, Joe Francis, and her supervisor, Ron:

According to court papers, Ron touched and massaged Hammond’s shoulders and arms, frequently spoke about sex in front of her, and on at least one occasion “tapped (her) buttocks with a clipboard.” The actions resulted in creating a hostile work environment, the lawsuit said.

You know, I would think the legal filing papers would just be part of the employment paperwork there, kind of like the W-4 form.

Also, has Joe Francis ever taken a picture where it didn’t look like he had just harassed someone? πŸ™‚

Interest Ratings Falling

Nuts, my Cat Interest Quotient just fell off:

Uninterested cat is uninterested.

Previously, on The Phantom-Thought, Interested Cat.

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